We’ve all been there. That horrible, sinking feeling when you realise you’ve messed up. Maybe you forgot something important, let someone down, or made a mistake that you can’t stop thinking about. And now? You’re stuck in a loop of shame, guilt, and overthinking.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. ADHD and executive functioning challenges make these moments more common—but they don’t have to derail you for days. Instead of spiralling into self-criticism, let’s talk about how to move forward in a way that’s actually productive (and doesn’t involve self-punishment).
Step 1: Acknowledge the Feelings (Without Letting Them Take Over)
That gut-wrenching dread? It’s there because you care. Whatever happened doesn’t sit well with you because being reliable and thoughtful matters to you. That’s a good thing. But let’s separate what happened from who you are – this mistake is not proof that you’re a terrible person.
Step 2: Recognise the ADHD Factor (Without Making Excuses)
This could be a classic ADHD moment – working memory issues, time blindness, too many mental tabs open. That doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, but it does mean this isn’t a character flaw, it’s a brain-based challenge. Understanding this helps you find solutions instead of getting stuck in self-blame.
Step 3: Pause Before Overcompensating
Your instinct might be to go all out to ‘make up’ for the mistake—offering grand gestures, over-apologising, or trying to prove you’re still a good person. Before you do that, pause and ask: What would actually help?
Here’s what’s reasonable and proportionate:
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A simple, direct apology: “I’m really sorry I forgot. I know you were counting on me.” No long-winded justifications needed.
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A small act of goodwill: Maybe offering to take her daughter another day this week or sending a kind gesture like flowers. Not to ‘fix’ everything, just to show you care. Consider asking: “what can I do to make it up to you?”
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A conversation (if needed): If this is an ongoing issue, an honest chat about how to make things easier next time.
Step 4: Create a System for Next Time
If this was a one-off mistake, you don’t need to overhaul your life. But if you notice a pattern, it’s worth finding a system that works for you – not just the ‘standard’ advice like putting it in your calendar.
Ask yourself:
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What actually sticks for me? A reminder alarm? A sticky note? A habit stack?
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Can I get external support? A quick check-in text the night before?
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Would communicating openly help? If you feel comfortable, let people know: “I don’t want to forget this, but sometimes I do – would you mind sending me a quick nudge?”
Step 5: Reframe Responsibility vs. Self-Punishment
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean you need to punish yourself for days. Feeling bad doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it often makes things worse – your brain goes into overdrive, making executive functioning even harder, which means more mistakes happen.
Instead, responsibility means:
✅ Owning what happened and making reasonable reparations.
✅ Learning from the experience and putting small changes in place.
✅ Letting yourself move on instead of staying stuck in self-criticism.
And finally, remember: Be Kind to Yourself
Would you treat a friend this harshly if they made a mistake? Probably not. So can you offer yourself the same compassion?
Messing up doesn’t make you a bad person – it makes you human. The real growth comes from what you do next.
If this resonates with you, let me know in the comments – how do you handle these moments?
Email me here or DM me on instagram to get started on creating calm amidst the chaos of ADHD. 💌